Commuter Blues part one million

Turnstiles (like the ones in the PATH or the Eaton Centre) are for one person only. I don't care how awesome your new diet is, I don't want to be confined in a space the size of a coffin with any other person, unless that person just happens to be Zach Braff.

I'm behind in my stories

Last week, Anna took me out for dinner for my birthday and we went to this little deli on Bay Street, which was basically deserted except for me, her, three staff members and a couple octogenarians reading the National Post.

At some point, Anna, who isn't usually gung-ho about going up to random people and asking them things, decided to see if she could get the place to do anything special for me for my birthday. She conned them into a free piece of strawberry cheesecake, at which point (after thanking her profusely) I admitted that I'm actually allergic to cheesecake.

Five minutes later, the three middle-aged staffers came by with the cake, complete with a pink, flowery candle and sang me the most awkward verse of Happy Birthday (also insisting that Anna sing along) I have ever experienced in my life.

It was awesome.

my mother

My parents and I were watching some forensics-type show where this woman was going to be a surrogate for her daughter who couldn't get pregnant.

Conversation:

Mom: I would do that for you. I'd be your surrogate.
Me: ...You don't have a uterus.
Mom: *long pause*
Me: You had a hysterectomy two years ago.
Mom: Oh...right. *uncontrollable laughter* Well, I would!
Me: Thanks, Mom.

lobsters

Yesterday at work, I was serving a party of ten very attractive 20-somethings, and managed to spill an entire schooner (a really big mug) of beer all over the one guy's lap. He was really nice about it, which made the whole thing even more embarrassing. He actually just seemed to feel bad for me because I was so embarrassed.

I was serving another table at the time, an older British couple, and then commented on what I had done and said, "Well, he's quite good looking, we thought you might have done it on purpose!"

21

Yesterday was my birthday, and while birthdays haven't been too big a deal for me in the past few years, I was really surprised about how much more special my birthday was made by the invention of the Internet. At least sixty people wished me a happy birthday either on msn, facebook and the 905 board. It's nice how simple things like a thread on the board to wish me a happy birthday, or my sister leaving a "Happy Birthday Melissa!" post-it on my mirror in the morning can make me feel so happy.

I feel sad for people who don't enjoy those things.

Also, strangely, I don't feel any older.

hug machine.

As I was sleepily driving to work this morning, the license plate on the car in front of me read "HUGS 4U."

I wonder if the owner of the car picked it just so he could make sleepy university students smile at seven in the morning.

Random Thoughts

1) During a commuter rush, escalators are not for people who are too lazy to walk up the stairs, they are simply for getting up a level faster. Standing on an escalator at 8 a.m. and waiting for it to deliver you to the top is not acceptable. You will inevitably receive a few elbows to your ribcage. These will not be accidents.

2) This morning, the PATH smelled like raw chicken, the entire way through (a couple of kilometers.) Either there's some sort of underground butcher shop going on down there, or I am having a stroke.

3) 9 a.m. classes are the worst.

4) The next person who blares their iPod on my morning train is getting the stink eye until they understand their error. I don't want to listen to the muffled sounds of K-fed while you continue to rupture your eardrums.

5) There are certain foods that shouldn't be eaten before noon and, apparently, a smooshed ham sandwich is one of them. I feel nauseous, and I don't think it's due to my 19h Century English class.

6) My English TA already gives the impression of a pretentious bore. He uses the word "shall." No one interesting, save 15th century poets, ever uses the word shall. He's either a smartipants or he wants us to think he's a smartipants. Either way, I remain unimpressed.

seven vodka, one gin.

Last night was my staff Christmas party. A couple thoughts:

1) Drinking vodka all night and then, at last call, switching to gin because the bar is out of vodka is not a good idea. Not ever.

2) It's a very strange experience to drink vodka out of a child's sippy cup (the bar was also out of regular cups) and then the next morning recover from two hours of vomitting by drinking watered-down apple juice out of a very similar BP sippy cup, one of which I just happen to have at my house.

3) My coworkers think watering down my juice is weird. I still disagree, though drinking a watered-down screwdriver out of a sippy cup does seem a little ironic and/or infantile.

General Population

To: Guy Sitting in Front of Me in my Politics Class

Stop putting up your hand and asking stupid questions. If you can't do that, drop this class immediately and pick up Common Sense 101.

Yours,
Melissa Wilson

9 a.m. classes are the absolute worst

I feel genuinely bad for travellers and day trippers who inadvertantly find themselves in the middle of the concourse level of Union Station at 8:00 a.m. It must be terrifying. In general, commuters are polite and courteous, but that doesn't change the fact that the station closely resembles the wildebeast scene from the Lion King.

stay positive

I like to think I'm fairly in the know as to how the world works. I've seen enough to pass over naive and green and go right to optimistic and trusting of peoples' good nature. Maybe too trusting, because sometimes I am shocked at the behaviour of some.

Yesterday, I was serving this table - two families, each with two little kids - and one of the other servers had warned me that the Dad from one was a jerk. I figured, I'd just make a point of being extra friendly and on top of my game, and that would be that. And don't get me wrong - I am a good waitress. I don't make a lot of mistakes, and most of the time, I let things roll off my back. I don't let rude people get to me. This guy, however, was so incredibly rude and ignorant and just plain mean, that it blew my mind. He spent an hour mocking me, berating me and making jokes at my expense and at the end of it, took my pen and flung it on the ground. For what reason, I have no idea. After that, I pretty much lost it and went to the bar to cool off for a couple minutes, and when one of the servers asked if I was okay, I just started crying. And I couldn't stop.

My manager went to confront the guy and he claimed he was just joking around. She was livid. The whole staff, really, was livid. Apparently these guys are regulars and several other servers have complained about their behaviour.

What really threw me was just how unwarranted it was. What kind of person goes into a restaurant with his family and has a good time by making fun of someone who, not only has been nothing but pleasant to them, but is actually doing them a service? His kids couldn't have been older than eight. What kind of example is he setting for his children when he spends his night out making girls cry?

The reason why I can't operate heavy machinery

I burned my thumb at work today.

Twice.

On the same spot.

And then accidentally poked the same spot with a knife.

How I spent my day off...

The baby panda has finally been allowed outside with the others! No more indor cages for this little guy.



Say it with me now. Awwwwww!

1987

Today I was at the Dollarama buying notebooks when I found, amongst waves of red and pink, Popple Valentines cards. Do you remember Popples? They were hugely popular when I was a little kid and they didn't really stay popular like Care Bears, or become items of nostalgia, like Atari systems and the original Power Rangers. How odd that they would choose Popple to band their cards with. Is Dollarama just way ahead of the game as to what is going to be the next big vintage "it" thing? Perhaps they're psychic. Or evil. How else can they afford to sell such quality stuff for only a dollar.

All of my friends can expect Popple valentines this year.

Ikea

Lately I've been watching the first season of Criminal Minds, complete with Swedish subtitles.

I've definitely picked up the basics of the language from Hotch and the gang. I think I'm ready to vacation in Stockholm now.